Vodka and a Pen

Here I am. Again.
With a shot of vodka and a pen
Trying to capture in a melody
Everything thats been simmering inside of me.

But what words do I write?
What lyrics can begin to shed light
In this fog of raw emotion
Through the smoke of feelings undefined?

This hall of mirrors locks me in
Mocks my sin
And I see a replay of my day
I see my face
Stretched and twisted in a thousand ways;
Reflections of a smile so fake

A smile I hate

The smile I flashed all day
To those whose trust I take
Trust undeserved, that I store away

And I close my eyes to escape
But the darkness is not safe
In my dream looms a fiery lake that awaits me
Impatiently.

And it hates me
Like I hate me

But I dont want to see the truth, the reality
So I retreat back to the simple world
Of a happy, normal college girl
And I distract myself with useless things

Like a boy's smile

And for a while
I can fool myself
And put the pain of self-awareness on a higher shelf
I convince this earth bound heart of mine
That life is nothing more than filling time
With laughter, drama, jokes, and lies
That I can judge my worth by a lovers sighs
And moonlit skin
And hungry eyes
And I turn up the radio to drown the cries
Of my soul.

Deep inside of me
Shackled near the core
Behind wall after wall
And door after door Without a key
Without a return to
The priceless, precious piece of You, placed in me
When you knit me together as I was conceived

When you gave the air of life I breathe.

That innocent girl fights to be free

To fly on unfettered wings
At light speed
To be in embraced and healed
And sheltered for eternity

But this is where the rhythms and the imagery
Are put to rest
Because I dont know what happens next
I dont know how to satisfy this urgency
To curb the war raging inside of me
Because I cant bear to come on my knees
Accepting forgiveness and relief

Knowing, in all honesty,

That my faithfulness
Wont last a week.