Rest In Peace

I stood lingering over an open grave;

unable to resurrect the man it held,

but unwilling to let it be.

The seasons changed as I stood there.

Snow melted,

grass grew,

leaves fell--

yet I remined in silence,

defiance,

an unending eulogy

Every so often a strong wind would blow

and the strands of amber that frame your face

would rustle in the breeze

and it would be just enough hope

to render me helpless, I could not leave

for fear that I would miss the moment you would awake

and call out, reach out for me

I might have remained there forever

Frigid with grief

Gripped hopelessly by hope

But from within your distant tomb

You reached up and slammed the coffin closed

You nailed it shut from the inside

And now I am freed from any dillusions

That you still are who you were

Or that I still am

who I was then

Or that you will bethe daddy

from my little girl dreams

Let him go.

My soul whispers,

let him die.

put an end to asking why.

Come back to me

Broken heart of mine

and learn, again, to live your life

Let him be

And rest in peace

Vodka and a Pen

Here I am. Again.
With a shot of vodka and a pen
Trying to capture in a melody
Everything thats been simmering inside of me.

But what words do I write?
What lyrics can begin to shed light
In this fog of raw emotion
Through the smoke of feelings undefined?

This hall of mirrors locks me in
Mocks my sin
And I see a replay of my day
I see my face
Stretched and twisted in a thousand ways;
Reflections of a smile so fake

A smile I hate

The smile I flashed all day
To those whose trust I take
Trust undeserved, that I store away

And I close my eyes to escape
But the darkness is not safe
In my dream looms a fiery lake that awaits me
Impatiently.

And it hates me
Like I hate me

But I dont want to see the truth, the reality
So I retreat back to the simple world
Of a happy, normal college girl
And I distract myself with useless things

Like a boy's smile

And for a while
I can fool myself
And put the pain of self-awareness on a higher shelf
I convince this earth bound heart of mine
That life is nothing more than filling time
With laughter, drama, jokes, and lies
That I can judge my worth by a lovers sighs
And moonlit skin
And hungry eyes
And I turn up the radio to drown the cries
Of my soul.

Deep inside of me
Shackled near the core
Behind wall after wall
And door after door Without a key
Without a return to
The priceless, precious piece of You, placed in me
When you knit me together as I was conceived

When you gave the air of life I breathe.

That innocent girl fights to be free

To fly on unfettered wings
At light speed
To be in embraced and healed
And sheltered for eternity

But this is where the rhythms and the imagery
Are put to rest
Because I dont know what happens next
I dont know how to satisfy this urgency
To curb the war raging inside of me
Because I cant bear to come on my knees
Accepting forgiveness and relief

Knowing, in all honesty,

That my faithfulness
Wont last a week.

My heart was broken
So I made a solemn prayer
I gave it to the Lord
And promised to leave it there
But if the choice was mine
To you I'd give myself completely
And pray for all time
That you'd stay here with me

You are my dream come true
I put my faith in you
I thought I'd never love again
But suddenly I am:
Forever yours.

Don't be discouraged
If I run away
It might take a while
To feel safe enough to stay
But I'll come back to you
As long as you'll have me
And I promise to be true
While I'm running

You are my dream come true
I put my faith in you
I thought I'd never love again
But suddenly I am:
Forever yours.

Crying in a corner, chaos closing in
Overtaken by the darkness my feeble light grows dim
The storms of doubt are raging
The waves of fear crash forth
I fight against the current
But my heart can take no more

Alone, and afraid, in the night I've lost my way
But in the midst of my despair,
I can hear you softly say:

Be still, my child.
Fear not for I am with you
And have been here all the while
Be still, my love
For I know the plans I have for you
To give you hope, and not to harm you
Be still and know,
I am God.

There's a fortress that surrounds me
A refuge in my mind
Layers of hurt and anger that I hide my heart behind
You stand there silently waiting as I refuse to see
That you have come to save me, that you are all I need.

I scream, and I fight.
You simply hold me while I cry
And as my defenses fall
You remind me, with a sigh:

Be still, my child.
Fear not for I am with you
And have been here all the while
Be still, my love
For I know the plans I have for you
To give you hope and not to harm you
Be still and know:
I am God.

I am God.

Do you think of me when you're crying and alone?
Do you long to hear my voice, but can't pick up the phone?
Do you try to see, to read, something in my eyes?


Can you never focus on the matter that's at hand
Because I'm on your mind, do you try to brush them off but cant?
And when I'm in the room, do your eyes NEED to find mine?

Are you scared to ask, so afraid of what you'll find--
But you have to know because it's killing you inside?
Do your heart and soul take up arms against your mind?

I know you think of me.
But do you dream of me?
I know you speak to me.
But are you seeking me?

And do you love me?